How Not to Become a Stepmonster: A Stepmom’s Guide to Loving and Leading
Becoming a stepmom can feel like a whirlwind, and it’s easy to fall into the “stepmonster” trap when tensions run high. In this post, I’m sharing my personal insights and practical advice on how to love and lead in your role as a stepmom without letting frustration get the best of you. You’ll find tips on building trust, setting healthy boundaries, and staying connected with your stepkids, even when things get tough. Let’s take this journey together toward a more peaceful, loving blended family life—you’ve got this!
It is so easy to become a stepmonster. After all, as a stepmom, you’re raising someone else’s children. You’re supposed to love them as your own, but that connection doesn’t happen overnight. This post is designed to help you stop fighting and start becoming the wife your husband needs, while building healthy relationships with your stepkids.
My Journey as a Stepmom
The two worst fights my husband and I have ever had were both about my stepsons. Before we even got married, I made the decision to love his two boys as if they were my own. I vowed to treat them the same as my biological son because I had seen too many examples of stepparents treating stepkids with coldness, while respecting and cherishing their biological children.
I didn’t want that for our family.
When Mike and I were dating, one of the many things I watched for was how he treated my son. I needed to know that he wouldn’t treat him differently from his own boys. And he never did. In fact, Mike treated my son with a respect and love that I never dreamed was possible. He even adopted him when his biological father decided he no longer wanted to be involved.
Navigating the “Stepmonster” Label
Despite the love and care I showed, Mike’s ex-wife constantly called me a “stepmonster” in front of their two boys. No matter what I did, I couldn’t win. Instead of approaching me like an adult to discuss any concerns, or work through any problems she would tell the boys everything I was doing wrong.
To be fair, I wasn’t a perfect stepmom. I was picky, stressed out easily, and expected too much at times. Some of the things Mike’s ex said were true. But I never treated the boys cruelly or unfairly. I worked alongside them, helped with their homework, and disciplined them when necessary—all because I saw them as my own.
And yet, I was still called the stepmonster.
The Reality of Stepparenting
If you’re not a stepparent, you have no idea how hard it is to parent children who aren’t biologically yours. The reality is, you’re not their parent, no matter how hard you try. There are many blended family bloggers who talk about getting along with the ex and co-parenting with grace, but that’s not the story I’ve seen—either in my life or in the lives of the stepfamilies we’ve worked with.
In fact, I’ve seen more remarried couples divorce than ones who stay together.
Last year, my husband and I had the worst fight we’ve ever had, and I said something I never thought I’d say: "I want a divorce." It wasn’t something I meant, but it forced us to confront what was really going on. Something was seriously out of balance in our marriage.
Becoming the Wife Your Husband Needs
After that fight, I asked myself an important question: How can I be the wife my husband needs, not the stepmonster? Here are the steps I took, and that I recommend for you as well:
1. Change Your Focus
Even if you’re being called a stepmonster, like I was, don’t internalize it. You don’t have to act like the words define you.
2. Be Proactive
In stepfamily relationships, you need to be prepared for situations with the kids, the ex, or even legal battles. Have plans in place for how you and your spouse will handle these challenges. Being proactive will reduce stress because you’ll already know how to respond.
3. Be Open About Your Needs
If you don’t feel supported by your spouse, talk to them about it right away. Unspoken expectations will only cause problems. It’s always better to be honest, even if the conversation is difficult.
4. Don’t Let Pain Define Your Story
It’s easy to project your anger and pain onto your spouse, but that will only damage your relationship. Make sure the story you’re telling yourself isn’t colored by past hurts.
5. Don’t Complain Constantly
If there are things you need to discuss with your spouse, make sure you also balance it with positive conversations. Focusing solely on complaints can wear down any relationship.
6. Protect Your Marriage
Don’t let anything come between you and your spouse, especially if you have children. They’ve already experienced loss; you owe it to them to provide stability.
7. Never Speak in Anger
This one is crucial. Words said in anger can’t be unsaid. Always think before you speak.
Building Trust and Strengthening Your Marriage
You can be the wife your husband needs. To do that, you’ll need to set aside your pain and allow your spouse to help you through it. This not only strengthens your bond as a couple, but it also builds trust, knowing that your spouse has your back.
Even if you have a tricky relationship with your stepkids, you will still have a good relationship with your spouse.
If there’s one takeaway from this post, I hope it’s this: take your position as a wife seriously. Do everything you can to be the best wife possible, and in turn, you’ll likely find that your husband will rise to be his best too.