How Parents Accidentally Destroy Their Child’s Motivation—And How to Fix It

You might be wondering how a loving parent or stepparent could unintentionally destroy their child’s motivation. It’s easier to do than you might think, especially if you have boys. In this post, I’ll show you what not to do and share strategies that will help you teach your kids to be motivated—even if they aren’t naturally driven.

I’ll also show you how to empower your children to thrive instead of falling into the trap of being a parental enabler.

My Journey from Control to Encouragement

I’ll never forget how much of a control freak I used to be. I didn’t mean to belittle my kids when they did chores, but that’s exactly what happened with my older boys sometimes. I just wanted things done my way.

Growing up, I was a bossy little thing. I’d tell my parents how to do things, and they never seemed to mind. But when I went from having one child to three- two of those boys being stepsons, I quickly realized that I needed systems to keep everything running smoothly. Being as stubborn as I am, I wasn’t about to let my kids tell me what to do!
When my husband and I got married, his boys were 4 and 3, and my son was 2. If you’ve ever raised boys, you know that they’re a lot of work when they’re young—and when they aren’t biological brothers, there’s a lot of ganging up that can happen, which made things even trickier.

Chaos and Control: When Things Went Wrong

As our family grew to five boys, chaos naturally ensued. As an only child, I wasn’t prepared for the sheer amount of noise and chaos that comes with raising a group of boys. But one thing was certain: I wanted my kids to be hard workers. I struggled with motivation myself until I was on my own, and I didn’t want that for them.
In my pursuit of making my boys hard workers, I set some unrealistic standards. I would go behind them and “fix” whatever they didn’t do right. But I noticed something—the boys were suddenly unmotivated to do their chores well. I couldn’t figure out why they had changed so quickly.
It wasn’t until I spent an afternoon with a friend and her two kids that I realized what was going on with mine. My friend critiqued her children rather than appreciating what they did well. Her daughter made lunch but was criticized for the mess, and her son worked on homework but was scolded for sloppy writing. The look on their faces told me everything.
And then it hit me—I was doing the same thing to my boys.

The Realization: How Criticism Kills Motivation

I realized that what I thought was motivating my boys was actually an unhealthy use of power. Instead of appreciating their efforts, I was focusing on what they did wrong. I sat each of my boys down and apologized, asking for their forgiveness.
Thankfully, kids are quick to forgive, but long-term misuse of power can lead to bitterness and anger toward parents and authority in general. I didn’t want that for my family.

How Parents Destroy Children’s Motivation

Parents often destroy children’s motivation when they fail to balance encouragement with direction. Kids store the information they learn from their parents, so it’s crucial that they hear both what they did right and why something they did was incorrect. This combination of feedback fosters real learning and helps kids make better decisions in the future.
Children are more motivated to do the right thing when parents make the right choices appealing. By explaining why something should or shouldn’t be done, kids are more likely to accept guidance—especially when it’s age-appropriate. Even naturally unmotivated kids respond well to encouragement when it’s consistent and positive.

Empowering Kids to Be Hard Workers

When parents seize any opportunity to teach their kids, real learning happens. For example, if you’re at the park and your 7-year-old notices another child throwing a tantrum and points it out, use that as a window to teach. Ask questions about why the behavior isn’t appropriate and what the child could have done instead. Brainstorming together helps your child understand the concept and prepares them to make better decisions on their own.
I used this technique with my boys all the time. Just be cautious, as older children might need guidance, so they don’t become judgmental of others.
The best way I’ve found to empower my boys is by teaching them to be hard workers and letting them solve their own problems. When they’re given the right tools and tested with real-life situations, they’ll be more equipped for life outside of your home.

Avoid the Trap of Enabling

When parents bail their kids and stepkids out of natural concequences for their bad decisions, fight their battles for them, or allow them not to be hard workers, they aren’t preparing their children for adulthood. Enabling kids leads to anxiety, depression, and a lack of motivation—all of which can carry over into their adult lives.
Parenting is a tricky journey, but by using these strategies, you can be more purposeful in how you guide your children.

Final Thoughts

If you take away anything from this post, I hope it’s this: parents can make good choices appealing to their kids by simply explaining why something should or shouldn’t be done and by offering examples. The more energy parents invest in training their kids, the better off our families—and our country—will be in the end.

If you need more help on how to motivate your child, feel free to leave a comment or email me directly at [email protected].