When Apologies Aren’t Enough: Setting Firm Boundaries with Family
Sometimes, an apology just isn’t enough. In this post, I share my personal experience of setting firm boundaries with family members when their actions don’t match their words. Learn how to protect your peace, communicate your needs clearly, and create healthier relationships by setting boundaries that stick.
It took me a while to realize that my frustration with a certain family member wasn’t entirely their fault. I was angry, disappointed, and hurt—but I hadn’t set firm, healthy boundaries that I was willing to stick to. This family member would apologize, but their actions always spoke louder than their words.
They would tell me they loved me, but then completely disregard my feelings. They’d make me feel like I was “too sensitive” for being upset. And every time we got together, it seemed like they just wanted to tell me everything I was doing wrong.
I started to see a pattern. The same issues would come up every time. I was expected to forgive and forget, but they didn’t think they needed to change. Interesting, right?
Recognizing When You’re in a One-Sided Relationship
One of the final straw moments came when I realized that this person didn’t truly care about me, my feelings, or even our so-called “relationship.” And that’s when it hit me—we didn’t have a real relationship. A relationship is a give-and-take, a win-win. What we had was an arrangement. I gave, and this family member took. It was a lose-win situation, and I was on the losing end.
Do you have a family member who apologizes but never changes their behavior? When you start to recognize this pattern, I encourage you to reflect on what you expect from them. Are your requests reasonable? Or are you expecting perfection? Ask yourself these questions as you begin to set healthy boundaries.
The Importance of Setting Healthy Boundaries
Does your family member constantly criticize others but can’t handle feedback themselves? Do they blow up whenever you try to talk about something that’s bothering you? These are avoidance tactics.
Setting boundaries with family can be difficult, but it’s necessary. Here are some steps to get you started:
1. Get Clear on What You Want
Take time to think about the changes you want to see. Be specific about what behaviors are hurting you.
2. Communicate Clearly
State what needs to change, and explain why this behavior is negatively affecting you.
3. Allow Time for Change
Give the family member an opportunity to improve. Change doesn’t happen overnight.
4. Decide How to Proceed
If the behavior continues without improvement, you’ll need to decide how to move forward.
5. Stick to Your Boundaries
Tell the family member what they need to do to maintain a relationship with you, and stand firm on what you’ve said. Remember, we teach people how to treat us by what we allow.
Thinking Ahead
It’s important to think ahead and imagine what the future will look like if you continue allowing certain behaviors. Are you willing to live with that behavior long-term? If not, it’s time to make a change.
For example, I’ve known many women who allowed their husbands to be needy and demanding in the early years of marriage because they didn’t think it was a big deal. Over time, this behavior escalated—harsh tones turned into yelling, and the pattern continued unchecked. When the wife became ill or passed away, the husband carried that same behavior into future relationships. Why? Because the wife had taught him it was acceptable.
If she had set healthy boundaries from the start, her husband would have learned that his behavior was unacceptable, and adjustments would have been made.
Why You Should Set Boundaries Early
Hopefully, you can see why I’m urging you to set healthy boundaries with your husband, kids, parents, siblings, and close friends sooner rather than later. Boundaries protect your emotional well-being and ensure that your relationships are built on mutual respect and understanding.
